One in Ten

This is McFootball.

659 million fans. 1 out of every 10 human beings.

As I travelled home last night, I read the "news" (once Eden Hazard had let everyone rest easy on their seats rather than perching on the edge in excitement) - it was a rather slow news day - that Manchester United were gleefully telling anyone that would listen that they had 659 million fans worldwide. Oh, and that shows that the Glazers, like Guinness, are good for you.

Following the capitulation in the league, leaving bitter cross-town rivals as champions.

Following Chelsea lifting old Big Ears, in a year that United were appalling in Europe.

Following another year of mounting debt and a £71 million-sized black hole and the news that a long-term target and ego of the year chose to live in London, rather than the North.

Following all these and more, was the wonderful news that all is well at Old Trafford, cos we have considerably more fans than anyone. Richard Arnold, United's commercial director, might well have been sticking his tongue out and waggling his hands around his head, shouting "na na - na, na na", I'm not sure - but that is the vibe that I get from reading this.

"We finished the season in first place, and city finished winning on goal difference," he said. That's second place then, mate.

"Competitors come and go. The one thing that remains constant is Manchester United," he continued to opine, going on to tell us what a great job he and the club were doing to win fans all around the world, because United are so great.

Now, I gave my season ticket up about 6 years ago. I saw that lovely Rooney volley against Newcastle in the last game I attended as a paying customer. Since then, I have contributed the princely sum of £3.50 to the club, in the form of a pint of liquid refreshment a couple of years ago, whilst there as a guest of a friend at my one and only time in Old Trafford since.

That is about 350 pence more than about 658.5 million of those fans then. Put together.

Yet these fans are courted, cherished and celebrated. This is McFootball. The big challenge now is not to look after the local, long serving, paying fans - they will probably be there anyway, buying tickets and going to games.  No, the chalenge is to come up with ideas how they can make a few more of those millions spend a little more of their hard-earned on chasing the United dream, buy the tv plans, spend at the megastores and look ubercool in red.

Except this grand, old club club, as we all know, is much less than cool. Probably just about the most uncool football club on the planet.

Mind you, despite how sad it is that United have to report such "findings", they are obviously not alone in doing so. Take FC Barcelona, everyone's current favourite club, no?Alongside their wonderful current brand of football, they go around telling the whole world how great they are, usually just in a game of one-upmanship aagainst Real Madrid, how they are "mes que un club," Along with this recent upward trend in the actual footballing-stakes, they have found an upsurge of millions of admirers around the world that posture in their shadows and laud them as the greatest ever, wishing that every club could be run in the same way - from tactics, to academy (oh La masia, of course) to business (without actually knowing too much about any of them in a lot of cases). Despite all this - they are also held up as every inch the coolest football team. I find it all a bit mawdling, to be honest.

More than a club? You are just another football club, Senor Barcelona. Just like any other. You just happen to have hit a very purple (and blue) patch. Unless by "more than a club", you are counting all those basketball and hockey and whichever other teams bear your name and whose trophies reside in your museum. Perhaps more than just a football club, then.

Old news, but I found the Unicef shirts a little too much to stomach as well. Nice gesture, but we all know it was only to soften the blow of them realising that they had to act like every other club and sell the space on the front of the shirt like everyone else. Do a quick two-year hit for charity, everyone loves us, then BANG, and the dirt is gone. We can sell to highest bidder as the ad-free shirt no longer exists.

"But we represent a whole nation, the nation of Catalunya" is another attempt to justify the claims - the Espanyol fans that share your city put it quite well "Qatar is not Catalunya" - the shirt went to the highest bidder, no matter where the money was coming from (and there are plenty of rumours about the Qatar Foundation to cause worry).

Furthermore rumours abound that naming rights of the Camp Nou are under discussion - giving more credence to the thought that everything has a price in McFootball. History, tradition - even coolness.

Not got a particular axe to grind with these clubs. Just McFootball. But like our favourite fast food, we all love our junk football as well.

twig

Action Replay

Disclaimer - sorry about adding my two-penneth to this meandering story, but who’d be a referee, eh?

It doesn’t matter what level of the game you are at – it is a challenge that there must be fewer and fewer queueing up to take on each year.


At the top of the tree, you have matches with a myriad number of cameras staring at you and watching your every move and decision, for those with the benefit of a thousand replays to berate and debate. “No hiding any more”, we are told on countless phone-ins. “Top-flight referees are now professionals and so should be held accountable for their mistakes”. (So should the bankers of the world, but that hasn’t happened).

Still, although professional players will charge the ref down, swear and gesticulate aggressively at decisions where they think they have been wronged – those cameras are on hand again,  perhaps like in a late-night town centre, a cctv-like deterrence to any of said actions going too far. (perhaps not - see last summer's English riots).


Further down the food chain, to local Sunday leagues and the like, the referee is not afforded such security – whether or not heated moments progress to anything physical, the intimidation must be real.


Back at the top it’s one, usually ageing, bloke in the middle of a very large pitch, trying to keep up with a new breed of footballing and athletic machines and making instant decisions to incidents as they perceive them.  This last week alone has given plenty of ammunition to all those in the game and led us once again to everyone’s favourite debate. Video evidence and goal-line technology.

The Chelsea-Spurs game last weekend obviously harbours the major talking point and the reason why our red-tops are in overdrive again. The goal that was that wasn’t. That was. or something.

The problem at that time was that Martin Atkinson was so sure in his own mind that the ball crossed the line, that he decided he did not need to speak to the assistant on the line. These "Refereeing Assistants" are employed to "assist" - hence the enforced name change from linesman, no? Why did he not just do that? It may have saved us from all this brow-beating.

Was it because the Spurs players were surrounding him, pleading with him to do so? After all, he can’t be seen to be swayed by a swarm of players in to casting doubt on his own decision – however, if that is the case, I wonder just how much was he swayed by Juan Mata’s reaction, celebrating the “ghost” goal?

[one other thought springs to mind. The Chelsea players were very quick to come out and say it wasn’t a goal after the match (how could they say otherwise?) - poor Frank Lampard must have been having nightmarish flashbacks to the world cup - hey, don't fret, Frank,  this time it worked out in your favour.

 It is, however, still sad that common decency and the old corinthian spirit is so lacking in the game that no-one held their hands up at the time it happened. (a la Di Canio or Fowler). True, no-one would really have expected anyone to do so, how could they face their team mates should they lose - in the argument for technology, we are always being told there is too much at stake in today's game - therefore, whilst human frailty exists, it is ripe for exploitation. Win at all costs).]

No vast amount of money needs to be spent on a “hawk-eye” system or Ice Hockey-style red light on the goal - surely it is not such a frequent occurrence to warrant that, is it? (I’m happy to be put right on that – my thinking is that it is over-hyped so much when it does happen, that it is highlighted with a bright yellow Stabilo Boss marker and trumpet fanfares - but I am sure there will be tabloids printing lists titled "why we need goal-line technology - NOW!" which will prove me wrong.)

For better or worse, we have now gone so far that the modern professional game exists in its current form because of television – perhaps television can be used in this instance to help the much maligned man in the middle.

How long would it have taken the fourth official to see, with the help of 23 cameras and instant replays, and to indicate to the Mr Atkinson that he called it incorrectly? Seconds? The free-flowing game of football would not be hampered too much - the players would still be arguing amongst themselves in that time. Rugby League has elevated a similar situation with regards to tries to a whole event in itself as part of the game. That might be a tad too far, though and makes me shudder at the thought of goal celebration music.

I believe it is right for the authorities to take their time on this, and I am not just being a luddite. Once the pandora’s box is opened, it will release numerous questions and cause all sorts of ramifications. The game is played at many various levels and the beauty of football is its great simplicity - top to bottom. Once you stop using jumpers for goalposts, the game works on the same principles throughout. At what level of the game is a decision made to stop the use of technology or cameras?

Where does this leave the lower leagues referees? Once the cameras or tech disappears, will the game be governed and refereed in a whole different way?

UEFA have experimented with extra goal line officials in the Europa league, of course - something that many mock - but they are in the perfect position to assist and are in constant communication with the referee - they have helped with decisions on penalties and more in the past, also. Hawk-eye can’t do that part of the job. So do the cameras have a say on other decisions on the game? Which ones?

Gordon Taylor at the PFA had this to say, echoing most people’s views: “In this day and age, the technology is available and we should use it. We’ve got to do all we can to ensure that, in sport, justice is done.” True on the last part, but presumably that will then mean that all the rules are re-written so we can go back and punish those players properly that are seen to be cheating, diving etc. and that red and yellow card offences can be revisited more easily?.....(more on “cheating” to come at another point!)

As mentioned earlier, with every opportunity taken to try and fool the referee and win penalties, free-kicks, and take advantage of one man being in charge of the game - it is getting more difficult with each passing match.

As you can read above - as a humble grumpy old fan, I don’t have answer to this - sorry Sepp and Michel. Good luck with that. However, neither do I have an answer to why anyone would still want to be a ref...(answers on a postcard)

twig